I'm whining...again

I feel myself falling apart, leaving a huge disconnect between my brain and my body. I notice this when I answer the phone, knowing it's you on the other end.

No, you did not love me.
No, I wasn't happy.
Now? I'm tired.

Tell me to think of you and I'll remember how you left me. How she had shorter skirts and lighter hair. A smaller waist and smaller words.

No, I won't take you back.
No, I don't want to talk.
I don't know why I answered.

Remind me of the Sundays we spent together. In bed with my hair spiraled around your fingers. My cold feet pressed against your legs. The stubble on your chin scratching my shoulder. I'll tell you I missed you most on Mondays. I'm weakest on Wednesdays.

I know today is Wednesday.
No, there isn't somebody else.
I'm not looking.

Ask me why I'm content to be alone. I'll tell you about the burnt orange leaves crackling beneath me feet. How the cold air sounds different than summer's coos. Why I think silence in autumn is so sad. How I won't settle for someone who doesn't understand this.

No, you don't understand.
I know Autumn is an abstraction.
I already told you, there isn't somebody else.

Things I LOVE

I love...
that Barack Obama is our new president.
How an election can give me hope and something to believe in
How Sarah Palin will no longer be hailed as a beacon to represent women, giving all of womanhood a bad name.

How Ruth sings "Because" by the Beatles every time she takes a shower and I can hear her while doing homework in my room.
How Ruth is my best friend and sister who supports me when I say I want to be everything I'm incapable of being.
How Ruth compulsively buys jewelry and googles fabrigee eggs.

How Jon continues to find new ways to call me a lesbian whore.

How Esme smells.
How Esme will move to snuggle closer when I turn in my sleep.
How Esme leaves fur all over my bed.
How Esme will wiggle her way between me and whoever else sleeps next to me.

How it smells outside in the fall. Crisp is the only word I can think of to describe it.
Halloween.
Sitting on my roof with someone who promises to call in the morning, whether he does or not.

Feeling loved.
Being in love.
Not being lonely.

Dancing in the kitchen.
Making vegan pancakes on Sunday mornings.
Kissing.

Listening to an ex boyfriend beg for me back after I've finally moved on, so I can say "No." over and over.

Drinking whiskey.
Reading good writing.
Reading "Love Poem" by Paul Guest.

Fantasizing about being beautiful.

When I have realistic dreams.
When I remember my dreams.

Learning, believe it or not.

Northstar veggie burgers.

Billboards that say "BUSY!?!?!"

Drinking a glass of merlot while smoking a cigarette.

Mostly I love love.

This is just a list of things to sew me back together...sometimes I need to remind myself.